


these eyes will not be blinded by the lights

by tobewritten



Series: what if it cost you your heart? [5]
Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: Angst, Danvers Sister!, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, Mainly focus on them, Multi, Rebuilding Relationship, Sisterhood, danvers sisters fluff, deep talks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-31
Updated: 2017-12-31
Packaged: 2019-02-24 11:54:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13213203
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tobewritten/pseuds/tobewritten
Summary: “forgiving you is the easiest part. i love you. I can’t imagine my life without you,”“but... but-” you tried to tell her that she doesn’t have to forgive you. that she’s better off without you. that what kind of sister are you if all you do is hurt Kara?“Forgiveness isn’t just something you give to others, it’s something you give to yourself,” Kara reminded you.





	these eyes will not be blinded by the lights

**Author's Note:**

> Danvers Sisters scene!!!
> 
> this might be the last installment? i don't think there's anything more i want to add here, unless any of you have ideas? please share, thank you.

  
You had half a mind to reprimand Kara when she “borrowed” the keys to J’onn’s spaceship/car because you know that J’onn would _freak_. Instead, you let her be. You knew this was Kara’s attempt at an apology of which you had long forgiven. Besides, it’s not every day you’re able to get a 3-day weekend off for a road trip.

Kara had planned to drive back out to Midvale but the memories and scars are still too fresh for you to rip open. Not only that, as much as you’re repairing your relationship with Kara, you had yet to fix that with your mother.

Deep down, you know your mother hadn’t really blame you but her words had cut deeper than you would have imagined. Logically, you could forgive her. You could see things from her point of view and understand where the pain was coming from. Emotionally, you can’t really process any of it. Even so, both of your girlfriends had assured you that it was okay to take some time away from her.

But Kara? Kara was too easy to forgive. You love your sister too much and the love had rooted itself into your very core that a life without Kara, would be a life not worth living. You could never resent your sister, even when all the harsh truth was thrown into your face without so much as a warning.

Maggie had pleaded you to talk to Kara about it. That bottling it up isn’t healthy and so is ignoring the bad parts of the relationship no matter how little it is. That you shouldn’t dismiss the fact that Kara’s words had broken you down too, that it was partly the reason why you found it too hard to even pick yourself back up again.

you know that if you don’t bring it up, neither will your sister. Kara has a heart of gold and from her experience. she had learned not to push you on anything emotional.

she’d leave that to Maggie and Lucy, and even sometimes, you manage to close yourself off too much for the world.

But Maggie’s right. you can’t ignore this - not like Red K or Black Mercy incident. This is your sister and you vowed to protect her from the harshness of reality but sometimes, you have to lay the entire truth to her just to make her realize.

Kara parked the car at a beach house that Lena had rented to you. Lena, who had been more of a friend than an acquaintance lately since her contribution to DEO’s R&D latest project. You had some reservations about the CEO initially but she had won you over when you realized she’s the only one that can keep up with you during your brainstorming and creating process.

Your friendship with Lena had also kick-started you to repair your sisterhood with Kara.

It took some work, some awkward conversations and pushing off the uncomfortable need to run away before you manage to talk to Kara like normal again. (You hate yourself that it took you too long to let Kara in but your girlfriends had stopped you from spiraling into that thought.)

“we’re here!” Kara excitedly shouted and you rolled your eyes in a playful manner before hopping out of the car and heading to the front door.

“Oh, you’re totally not gonna help with the bags are you,” Kara deadpanned.

you flashed her a smirk and you hope she can see the mirth in your eyes under your shades.

“those are practically feathers to you so...”

and unlike what you had prepared, repairing the relationship isn’t as difficult after you had navigated your way through the first phase. Everything started to fall into place slowly, and you wore your role as a big sister just like an old sweater.

you heard your sister scoffed before she lifted the bags with no struggle at all.

you entered the beach house and immediately called dibs on the first room with a queen size bed and a balcony facing the ocean, at the same time as Kara did the same.

Your eyes narrowed at her before the both of you rushed to the bed, giggling and laughing as you pushed each other on your way.

Kara’s foot nearly kicked you off totally out of the bed and you clung to her arms with your dear life because a playful Kara sometimes forgot her powers. You tried to shove her, digging your elbows into her skin, ignoring Kara’s fake protest of pain.

You playfully pushed her head and had the decency to feel sheepish when Kara wasn’t prepared for it; knocking the bedside table and nearly uprooting the bed.

The both of you landed on the bed after some time, laughing wholeheartedly despite the fact that you could have gotten a black eye from the roughhousing.

“we can share, it’s big enough,” Kara said as the two of you calmed down.

you shrugged almost shyly.

It wasn’t as if you were against sharing a bed. You’d done that since you were kids and it’s definitely not a new thing for the two of you. But sharing a bed would mean that Kara would be more privy to your nightmares at night and you really don’t want to add that kind of burden to your little sister. She’s seen you at your low enough times and you know for a fact that the rift between you two are not fully closed.

but you also missed your sister. you miss her warmth and the feeling of peace whenever you’re with her.

The bed may not be as big as yours at home, but it would fit the two of you just fine.

“sure, why not,” you agreed.

The smile that Kara gave you was almost blinding and you really miss your sister.

\---

_“you’re sure we can trust him?” you mumbled to yourself for the tenth time in a minute as you scanned through the medical reports._

_you couldn’t shake the feeling that something feels off, but looking through the glass, you let yourself believe again. That your father is here. That he’s safe and surrounded by your family. That he’s home and okay._

_“are you sure?” Lucy piped in, standing beside you with her hands clasped behind her back. You couldn’t blame your girlfriend for being on the side of caution. not when your father had been in Cadmus’ hands for more than a decade. A prisoner doesn’t just walk free that easily._

_“i don’t know,” you confessed. You leaned against your girlfriend and let her firmness reassure you even just a little._

_“there’s no reason to keep him here but i don’t really trust this situation,” Lucy whispered to you. You sighed and nodded your head._

_“just gotta keep an eye on him, yeah?”_

_Lucy pulled back slightly just so she could see your face. She pushed a strand of stray hair behind your ears before giving you a kiss on the corner of your mouth._

_“I love you. I’ll follow your lead on this one. But the second i feel like something is up, we’re going to have to investigate further,”_

_a part of you wished that Lucy would be taking the lead, that she hadn’t just given you free choice on what to do with a father that had been so-called dead for more than 12 years._

_you’re not sure what’s the protocol here. But the man in the med bay sounds like and looks like the father you had lost when you were fifteen and you’re not sure if you could keep yourself away from it._

_all those years of crying and hoping and wishing. All those years had come to this and god, you want to strip your walls down to be able to love him like that again. He’s your father. It should be easy. But it’s not._

_you love him. you know that as your eyes make contact through the glass window, your heart aches to run to his arms and to hug him again._

_but oh, you’re so so afraid._

\---

“here,” You said, passing the hot mug to your sister. Kara gratefully accepts the mug of hot chocolate (a recipe you had to strangle out of Maggie) and patted the cushioned spot next to her.

A moment later, the fireplace crackled to fire thanks to Kara’s heat vision and you hummed as you sat at the back porch of the house, smiling as the sea breeze caressed your cheeks and ruffled up your hair a little.

The house is beautiful; a perfect getaway when you need one and you really need to return Lena the favor.

There’s soft music playing in the portable speakers that Kara had brought and you smiled appreciatively when you realize the songs that are playing are not Kara’s usual go-to songs. It’s somewhere in between where the both of you would like but not get truly attached to.

The night sky was littered with stars and you truly can’t express how grateful you are to be here.

But the reason for being here is also one that you can’t ignore. Both of you needed the time to get away from the fast pace of your life and reflect on what had happened. That now is the perfect time as any to make amends.

you gathered the courage to speak but your mouth was sealed tight as you try to force words out of your tongue. Your heart thumped and you hated how you’re such a coward in this situation.

You’re afraid that the wrong word will cause everything to be stripped away again.

It was Kara who took the lead.

“I never blamed you for Jeremiah’s death,” she started.

You bristled. You’d think that Kara would start off simple but now, the band-aid has been ripped open and you can try your best to cover it up again but you can’t get rid of the memories stinging your mind.

you could pass it off as whatever but you can’t deny the nightmares that you get where Kara and your mom and J’onn and everyone blamed you for Jeremiah’s death and for the hurt that you had caused them when you ripped him away.

“Kara, it’s okay to be angry at me,” you reasoned out.

you believed that they have every right to be angry at you, to hate you even, and you believed that if Kara had truly wanted you out of her life, you would have respected her wishes no matter how bad it’ll kill you.

you’ve hurt your sister too many times, and if she wants you to stop, you know there’s only one way how.

“No,” Kara replied firmly, shaking her head and looking so repulse at what you have said.

“I was angry. but not exactly at you. I was angry at him, at myself, at the world because you never asked for many things but the one thing that you desperately wanted, the universe ripped it away from you just like that. And it’s so unfair,”

you held your breath, waited and gave Kara the time she needs to complete what she’s saying.

“I- i should have seen it coming. You’d think after Astra-” you recoiled back into your mind.

your knees curled into your body and you let out a shuddering breath.

Astra’s death is on you too and you’re starting to remember how bad of a person you are. how much hurt you have caused to the people around you, especially your sister. how much you have taken away the things in her life.

you’re a murderer then, you’re a murderer now. But it’s more fucked up that you could take the lives of people that share the same blood as your family.

you pressed your forehead on your kneecaps and tried to control the shaking.

“no, alex. i’m sorry. I didn’t mean-crap. Rao, Alex. I don’t blame you for Astra either,”

that was a blatant lie and felt like a slap to your face. the voices in your head echo the words Kara had said during Red K, something the two of you should have talked about but proceed to ignore it after things settled down.

“it’s okay if you do,” you mumbled and tried to ignore the raw emotions flooding your body.

god, you’re not good at this emotional thing without getting overwhelmed in less than 5 min.

“Maybe, maybe I had. I was so angry that Astra - and Jeremiah - would betray us like that. Used us and hurt us like that. I was so angry that I - I directed that anger to you,” Kara continued.

your mouth felt dry, you have no idea where this conversation is going but at least it’s going somewhere, albeit it was kara that is doing the most of the talking.

“I’m sorry. I didn’t think about you - about the things you were going through. When Jeremiah died, I thought - i thought i could have saved him. and maybe, I was angry that you hadn’t given me the chance. that maybe, with a little more time, he would have come back to us,”

and like all sad truths, the truth is sad.

you clenched your jaw to stop your teeth from chattering.

“I know. I wished i hadn’t been so quick to pull the trigger, either,” you replied in a hurried breath.

“I wanted to believe him. But to be frank, i was just waiting for his betrayal. I-i wanted to believe in the hope that he could be better but i- I’m a soldier, Kara. I took two kinds of oath in my lifetime. To protect the public from threat,” you paused

but Kara filled in the blanks for you, anyways.

“and to protect your family,” and it feels like realization dawned on her.

that the reason that drives you forward, to be able to maim and kill and hurt so easily to someone that you once loved was due to the one sole reason:

that you’d protect your family at all cost.

“he would have kill you, or worse, hurt you beyond belief, beyond recovery. Because organization like Cadmus, heck, even some branches of the DEO, there’s no such chances as gray area,”

“But how does it not chipped away at your sanity? at your humanity?”

Kara’s gaze at you was too powerful for you to ignore. You turned to face her, your right cheek pressed to your knees and thought for a moment.

“I can’t let myself dwell on the fact that killing is morally wrong. Because each kill is measured, is calculated, is thought off beforehand. That a life loss of one, is a life saved of thousands,”

“if i... if I let myself think too much about the fact that I kill my own father, my own flesh and blood, i- i can’t live with myself, Kara. I just can’t,” you confessed, choking on a sob.

Kara shifted next to you, and the next thing you know is that you’re engulfed by a warm body holding you tight.

“i’m sorry i couldn’t understand. I resented the fact that you seemed fine after... after everything. and for a brief moment, I was angry that you had no problem in pulling the trigger. But i understand now,”

“I save the world, you save me?” Kara stated even as if its phrased a question.

you nodded your head, a wet smile forming on your lips.

“I’ll always save you,”

\---

_“Alex, care to take a walk?” your father asked, gesturing to the door._

_you hesitated, seeking your girlfriends even as you nodded your head a second too late. A part of you felt like your father had just summoned you because you’ve done something wrong._

_You walked down the hall and towards the empty street, a safe gap between you and your father._

_you wished it wasn’t like this. that you weren’t so scared like this. that it’s been almost a week and Jeremiah has yet to be proven guilty._

_“you seem a little distant ever since i got back... I thought... i hoped that seeing me would make you happy but I guess-”_

_your throat locked with guilt. Your father had probably suffered a lot and here you are, unable to give him the peace of reconnecting with his eldest daughter._

_“no, no, it’s not your fault. I- 'm just thinking too much,” you laughed it off at the end even if you’re feeling a little unsettled. Your right-hand shoots up to your neck, rubbing and playing with the baby hairs on your neck, trying to settle the unwarranted nerves inside you._

_“I’m serious Alex, if you really think that I need more tests to just be sure, then i’ll be willing to go through them. Anything to make you trust me again,”_

_the guilt multiplies and you feel horrible, given that this is your father._

_“I-i do. I trust you. I’m sorry i’ve been off. I just, it’s a lot to take in,”_

_Jeremiah sighs, and his eyes looked so sad and so disappointed that it feels like a bullet just ripped through your heart._

_“I want to get to know you, Alexandra. I - I kept dreaming and hoping what it’s like to meet my family again. How you’d grown up, how you’ve been, where you are. I- Cadmus tried to lose the hope in me but I held on. Now i’m here but you barely share anything with me and I -”_

_“I’m sorry, I never meant to make it seem like I don’t want you in my life -”_

_“but it feels that way,”_

_you gulped, pushing your hands deeper into the pocket of your jacket. you feel so so bad and it’s weighing on your heart because he’s right._

_he deserves some benefit of the doubt, especially from you, from his daughter._

_his daughter. he’s family._

_“i’m sorry, dad. I’ll try harder. I promise. I- 'm sorry,”_

_your dad softened and you feel a lightweight lifted off your shoulder._

_“it’s okay. You’re still my girl right?” he slung his arm around you and it chafed across your shoulder._

_you ignored it, “yeah, of course,”_

\---

you woke up with a start, sweating and panting. A hand on your shoulder caused you to react without thinking; twisting the arm until you hear a yelp.

“Alex!” you startled when you realized you’ve got your sister pinned on the bed.

“Shit! I’m so sorry!”

you let go of Kara and slumped back into the bed. Kara cleared her throat and you see her stretching her arm.

“Did i hurt you?” you asked timidly, staring up at the ceiling as you lay on your back.

“Nah. You’re still unbelievably fast though,” Kara chuckled as she rests her head on your shoulder.

you smirk and let the silence fall into comfort. Kara’s breath even out and for a moment, you’re pretty sure she’s asleep. Which makes it a little easier to ask the question that’s been plaguing your mind.

“how could you forgive me? after Astra and after Jeremiah? How?” you whispered in hush voice, not wanting to wake your sister.

“i messed up a lot. it’s my fault that we didn’t stop Jeremiah sooner. It’s my fault you lost your family all over again. why would you forgive me?”

there are tears falling down your cheeks and you smacked them away with the back of your palm. you tried to control your body from shaking, from waking Kara as you break down by her side.

“oh, Alex,” Kara’s voice drives the sob to climb out of your throat.

Your sister wrapped her arms around you and it feels like she’s trying to keep the broken pieces together.

“I love you. You’re my sister. I wouldn’t want anything if it meant losing you. I can’t lose you,”

you shake your head in disbelief.

“forgiving you is the easiest part. i love you. I can’t imagine my life without you,”

“but... but-” you tried to tell her that she doesn’t have to forgive you. that she’s better off without you. that what kind of sister are you if all you do is hurt Kara?

“Forgiveness isn’t just something you give to others, it’s something you give to yourself,” Kara reminded you.

you hiccuped, clinging to Kara’s words and breathe a little easier.

“I love you, Kara. I’m so sorry I keep hurting you,”

“Shush now. None of this is on you. You did everything right. I promise,”

\---

_It’s been almost three weeks since Jeremiah’s return and he has done nothing but proven himself as an asset to the DEO. He gave accurate intel and information on Cadmus’s whereabouts that you were almost hopeful that you could defeat Cadmus this time. That Lillian wouldn’t be ten steps ahead of the DEO now._

_Your father had won your trust over after the countless of times he protected Supergirl just with his strategic mind._

_You feel pride swelling in your chest when you watch him stand tall and strong - as if Cadmus had failed to break him._

_“Agent Danvers, my office now,” Director J’onn spoke as he passed by you._

_You straightened and marched to his office with a blank face despite the thoughts flashing through your mind. Did you do something wrong?_

_“Close the door, please,” J’onn instructed._

_You did as followed and while J’onn sat in his office chair, you remained stoic still in front of him. Your face doesn’t betray any emotions and you’ve perfected blocking J’onn out of your mind._

_“Alex,” J’onn started, his voice soft and laced with concern._

_At that tone, you relaxed your stance and dropped into the chair opposite him, your shoulders sagging from how tense you had been. You raised your eyebrows and gestured him to continue._

_“I’m afraid to say this, but I believe the suspicions on your father is warranted,”_

_“are you for real right now?” you said in disbelief. With hands clenched, you took a deep breath and try not to let your emotions get to you._

_“I know you don’t want to hear this. But as your superior and the director of the DEO, i cannot reinstate your father. It’s too much of a risk-”_

_“but he’s been giving us intel! Without him, we wouldn’t have raided one of Cadmus’ warehouse!”_

_“Alex. We have to be cautious. Cadmus is good at the mind games. I will not let personal affairs cloud my tactical judgment. I’m sorry. I believe that maybe, Jeremiah is back. but i do not trust the situation enough to be fooled by a trick. Besides, has he ever told you how he escaped?”_

_you slumped back into the chair, biting your lips and sighing out loud. You shook your head, pressing your fingers to your temple._

_“exactly. I know it’s been almost a month but i’m not willing to take the chances,” and with that, you know that J’onn’s words were final._

_on any other days, you would have fought him on it, but to do so now was to ignore the doubt in your guts. so instead, you nodded your head reluctantly and as J’onn dismissed you, you realized, there are so many unanswered questions in your head._

_\---_

_By the time you reached Kara’s apartment, you were about 10 min late for dinner. Maggie greeted you with a peck on the cheek as you entered the door, hanging your coat for you and telling you to settle down._

_You sink into your chair and dug into the dinner that your mother and girlfriends had cooked. Your father sat at the head of the table and the questions that had ignited since your talk with J’onn came back into your mind._

_You waited for the end of dinner to bring it up._

_“What’s on your mind, babe?” Maggie asked as she slid beside you on the couch. She took away the beer that you were nursing and you almost grabbed it back. Instead, you let your eyes wander to your father who’s busy in the kitchen, washing dishes with your mother._

_Your parents laughed and giggled and your heart churns as doubt creeps over you._

_what J’onn had said had done nothing but strengthen the doubt in your head. Sure, it had faded as time goes by but you still can’t shake that something will go wrong._

_Murphy’s law, after all._

_“nothing, just thinking about work,”_

_Maggie frowned but you didn’t give her a chance as you found the perfect timing to talk to your father alone._

_You dragged your feet into the kitchen, pretend to rummage through the drawers before leaning against the island counter, attempting for casual. You decided to cut right to the chase._

_“How'd you escape Cadmus, dad?” your words were anything but casual and you heard Kara gasped from the living room, and you’re pretty sure she’s eavesdropping._

_your eyes caught the way your dad froze a little, and you catalog every movement he made._

_“Pardon?” his voice was steel and for a moment, you don’t feel as tough as the agent you are. you felt like a kid, getting reprimanded for prodding too much._

_“well I was just wondering... you never really told us about it. and I-”_

_“and you think I’d want to relive that moment?” he raised his voice and you would deny to anyone who said that you jumped._

_dread filled you, oxygen leaving your brain and you wished you kept your mouth shut._

_“no no. i just. everyone keeps saying how weird it is that Cadmus would let you free now. so i guess-”_

_“wow, here i thought you trust me. I already have the DEO talking behind my back and now you too?”_

_you didn’t realize how quiet the apartment is. But all you could hear was the roaring of blood rushing through your ears._

_no words seemed to left your mouth as your father stomped out of the kitchen with an anger you haven’t felt before._

_“that’s not what i meant. I just wanted... to be sure,” you trailed off. You fidget around and tried to control your nerves. God, you’re not sure why you’re so scared._

_“I thought you were smart, Alexandra. Do you think Cadmus would have left me off easily? That they’re not planning how to come back 10 times worse than before now that I have escaped?” and it felt like a direct insult to you and your capabilities._

_and it felt so much like disappointment that you’re stumbling for words and struggling to remember why you asked that question in the first place._

_“i-i’m sorry. I wasn’t thinking clearly. I’m sorry,”_

_the silent treatment from your father ran your blood cold and you wished you could take back the words that you’ve said._

_god, why do you have to fuck it up?_

\---

“he was manipulative, to you,” Kara spoke up as the two of you chatted on the rooftop.

You took in a shaky breath and shrugged.

“That’s what Maggie and Lucy had tried to convince me when he was still around,”

“and you didn’t believe them?” Kara’s floating beside you now.

You shrugged again. You didn’t want to think how naive you’ve been to fall for his stupid tricks too.

“As much as I had a bad feeling, I also wanted nothing more than to be selfish,” you whispered.

“but he kept making it seem as if it’s your fault. and I... I didn’t realize it then. But now, after I think back. Now i do,”

You sighed, snuggling closer to your little sister and letting your head fall on her shoulder. The both of you stared quietly at the night sky - you follow the constellations, tracing your fingertips on the back of Kara’s hands while she hums an old Kryptonian tune.

And as you sit there, the memories hit you like a bulldozer.

_your father’s face appeared in your head, his voice as he laughs while he taught you the stars, teaching you how to use the telescope and retelling legends._

_your father, standing proudly, as you found Orion for the first time without his help._

_your father, watching you as you teach Kara, his smiles widening as you get more animated about the stories of the constellations while Kara floats beside you, unable to contain her own excitement._

_your eyes teared up as the memories become tainted and ruined by what had happened._

_your father’s friendly and approachable gesture looking more menacing, more rough, more painful._

_your father’s hand carrying a kryptonite sword, glowing in the darkness, with blood dripping down its edge._

_your father’s harsh words and explosive anger in the kitchen as you see his hand twitching almost as if he wants to slam it down on the kitchen counter - or perhaps, even you._

You hadn’t realized you were crying heavily until you felt Kara pulling you closer to her side, her arms wrapped around you like a safety blanket. The warmth radiating off her soothing you but making you cry harder, shedding and peeling all the walls that you’ve put up.

“Let it out, Al. I love you. I’m here, I got you. I got you,”

you sobbed harder, clutching the front of her shirt as you bury yourself further in her embrace.

You feel your heart breaking, feel the pain washing over you and it hurts all over. Your insides ache like never before and you can’t stop or fight it out anymore.

you see your father’s body; blood oozing out of the gunshot wound as the sound of bullets exploded in your ears. _once, twice, thrice._

you hear the screams; feel the way your throat was hoarse and raw and rough. you feel the way your heart now has a hole a size of bullet you shot through your father’s body.

“Alex, you’re okay, you’re safe, you’re okay. I got you. I promise,”

_your mother’s eyes are dull, your sister can’t even look at you anymore. Your girlfriends stand by your side, trying to keep you anchored to reality but all you can focus on is the way they closed the casket and moved your father’s body away._

_you couldn’t cry, couldn’t feel. you remain numb and yet, so highly attuned to everything around you that it’s almost overwhelming._

_you want to run, you want to hide_

_you want to hurt._

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> Comment and leave Kudos if you like it!
> 
> Further prompts of what you'd like to see in this series are also greatly appreciated!! 
> 
> please share your ideas if you have any! I'd love to write more for this series.


End file.
